Christmas often holds great frustrations for those who decide they want to give someone a particular gift, but can’t find it anywhere. As opposed to people like me, who go out shopping for an hour or so and grab whatever is on the shelves that happens to be close to something that person might like to have.
I guess it’s because I’m a person of compromises. One of my car doors gets smashed in, so I get in on the passenger side of my vehicle from then on. I have a dryer but haven’t got a washer yet, so I go to the Laundromat to do the wash and bring it home to dry on hangers. No big deal. There are worse things in life to worry about ... like whether my bed will suddenly collapse while there is a cat lying under it, or whether I have enough coffee to wake up with tomorrow morning.
These are two things that cannot be compromised on. Cats must be round and fluffy, not flat and squashed. And coffee must be ever present, or I will be a walking zombie.
Oh! And there is something else that cannot be compromised on. And these are things that are very hard to find.
They’re, They’re, They’re … FINE-THREAD SCREWS!
I recently took two faucets apart to replace the leaky seals, but somehow managed to lose the one screw that holds each one’s handle on. So I went to the local hardware store with my faucet handle and said “I need a screw for this.”
The man took one look at it and said, “That needs a find-thread screw. We don’t carry fine-thread screws.”
So I gave up on that project for awhile and went on with other repairs. But as the weeks went by, I ended up losing a screw from my hedge clippers, my wheelbarrow, and numerous other gadgets. I went to the hardware store again, bringing my hedge clippers with me, plus the extra screw from my wheelbarrow, and I asked the clerks at every hardware store in town for screws that fit. But what did I get? “Those require fine-thread screws. We don’t carry fine-thread screws.”
I felt almost dirty … like I was at a video store and asking for a copy of “American Booty” or “Spankenstein.”
But as with many obsessions, my shame did not stop me from looking. Everywhere I went I began looking for fine-thread screws … in stores, in people’s houses … If I was walking down the street and happened to glance down and see an old screw lying on the ground, I would wonder if it was a fine-thread screw.
But after months of agonizing dreams, my obsession finally began to wane … until a friend came by my house the other day and tried to turn on my kitchen faucet, after just having been in the bathroom … “Why is it that all of your faucets come off when you turn them?” she said.
I held my breath, tried to compose myself, but finally I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“BECAUSE THERE IS A @@#%^ SHORTAGE OF FINE-THREAD SCREWS IN THIS WORLD!!!” I shouted.
Now I feel the obsession coming on again. I’m thinking that, if I weren’t an honest person, I could steal screws from the faucets in public bathrooms, or slowly take apart the office computers bit by bit just to have the screws.But you know … if I’m desperate enough to let thoughts like this run through my mind, then there are probably others out there who will really do it. When you walk into your office some day and your chair collapses on you, or your computer falls apart when you touch it, you will know that The Great Fine-Thread Screw Wars have already begun
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